Tales of a Cheshire Cat
by MissCharlieWeasley
Summary: Well, It's stories from the Cheshire cat. Umm that's all there is too it really, but they're full of adventure and well Chess.
1. Chapter 1

Tales of a Cheshire Cat

I could see Alice from where I sat in my tree, I smiled wider and wider. I wondered if she could see me yet, I poofed out of view and reappeared behind her. Floating on my back I used my tail to propel me into her peripheral vision and then around to her other side. I turned onto my belly and laid my head on my hands and floated just above her head. Getting tired of her not noticing me I lazily slid forwards so that I was hovering upside down with my arms folded over my chest, I was still smiling though and my tail hit her in the face. She brushed it away and laughed at me.

"Good Morning Chess, you're not very good at looking upset you know, I could see you all of the time" Alice teased.

"So you just decided to ignore me, Alice I thought better of you. Have you been falling down any rabbit holes lately?" I smirked in reply.

"Not many, I'm trying to quit you see but old habits die hard, remember?"

"Yes, I remember, how did you manage to get here this time?" I asked yawning, it was the usual drill, I would ask her how she got here, she wouldn't tell me. I would take her to the mad hatter who would whisk her away on some new adventure and I still wouldn't get that hat!

"I couldn't possibly tell you now could I?"

"Why not, Alice? Don't you trust me?" I whined and rolled all the way around from my front, onto my back and then back onto my front.

"Of course I trust you Chess but you can't come into my world like I come into yours so it's safer if I just don't tell you, if it makes you feel any better I haven't told the Hatter either." I sighed and wrapped myself around her shoulders as she continued walking through the wild jungle lands of underland. The vibrant green leaves stared out at us as we carried on through the undergrowth. And the deep brown of the many tall trees spread over the roots that inked themselves across the ground and constantly had to be stepped over. The red, puce and pink of the flower heads pursed their lips and winked at us as we passed and I tipped my head to one of the prettier ones, still grinning.

Alice looked straight ahead as we walked and occasionally looked to check that I was still there following her. I never once stopped smiling.

"Alice, would you like to hear a story while we walk?" I asked,

"We always walk in silence Chess, it works, we always admire the scenery." Alice said simply.

"Yes but the scenery will be the same next week when you find a way down here and you haven't heard any of my stories, I know the Hatter tells you stories, he seems to think you quite like them. I have been to some amazing places." I goaded floating in front of her face so that she had to stop and listen to me. She joined me in smiling,

"You do seem to have some amazing adventures down here and the Hatter's stories are amazing." She reasoned.

"My stories are better than the Hatter's, much, much better and they will pass the time before your little adventure with the Hatter." I whispered.

"Alright them Chess, tell me your story" I poofed out of existence and back in, sat on top of her head.

"This is a story I like to call How many times do I have to tell you, cats do not like boats."


	2. How many times do I have to tell you?

A/N: Hey guys, it's the long awaited first tale of a Cheshire Cat, it's not very long but I hope you enjoy it, thanks to everyone who has added the story ar reviewed it, I love you guys - I know it's enough to put anyone off right?

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><p>How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You, Cats Do NOT Like Boats.<p>

" I was only a kitten at the time but even then I had my natural charm about me and I was most equipped at evaporating, as good as I am now. There is a river in Underland, just one but it is vast and wide and stretches throughout the whole of Underland. I had many little sisters and brothers, my mother and father were struggling to look after us all so I decided I would help them out by going away for a while on an adventure. You know me and my love for danger and sarcasm, I decided I was going to journey to this river and cross it. Only one man had ever managed to cross it and he had gone mad by the time he got to the other side, no one else had ever done it and no cats had even tried so I thought it would be quite a good idea to be the first cat to cross, in fact the first animal to cross the river of death-"

"Chess?"

"What Alice, I do not like being interrupted in my stories."

"I'm sorry Chess, but I was wondering, is it really called the river of death?"

"No Alice, it is not called the river of death, I just thought it would add a certain something to the tale."

"Oh"

"So, in fact the first animal to cross the river of death that isn't really called the river of death-"

"Chess?"

"WHAT ALICE?"

"What is the river really called?"

"It is called the river OK?"

"Yes Chess"

"So, in fact the first animal to cross the river – you see it doesn't have the same ring to it – it was going to be the finest thing in feline history and I was looking forwards to it. I battled for weeks in this very jungle, it stretches further than the river of death-"

"Chess?"

"Yes Alice?" I said through gritted teeth

"I thought we weren't calling it the river of death."

"Of course not Alice, can I carry on now?"

"Yes, sorry Chess."

"It stretches further than the river in every direction and is filled with mysterious creatures that are more delightful than you wildest dreams and more deadly than your worst nightmares. I was making my way through it with as much hast as humanly possible for a cat, evaporating from place to place and trying to find my way through the maze that was the jungle. It took me three days to get out of the jungle, with nothing to live on apart from plant goo and any running water I could find. I was the bravest of the brave and I was only setting out on my journey, I encountered many of the dangerous animals I mentioned earlier. I encountered and snozzlelemming, quite different from your ordinary suicidal lemming, the snozzlelemming sneezes deadly acid and doesn't go anywhere near cliffs. It is quite misleading as to why they are called lemmings at all. Anyway I was trapped one night in a tight circle of snozzlelemmings and they were scrunching up their noses, ready to sneeze. They were so tightly around me that I couldn't get out by breaking through them, so when they got close to sneezing I evaporated to the top of the tree and they all sneezed on each other and killed each other! I was very proud-"

"Chess, you were proud of killing a bunch of poor animals in a highly childish and cowardly manner?"

"YES ALICE. And it wasn't childish or cowardly, I didn't go on the adventure to be brave, I went on the adventure to prove to the cats of Underland that it is possible to cross the river of-" At a look from Alice I changed my mind, " to cross the river."

"Oh, OK then."

"I faced six groups of snozzlelemmings such as the ones from before and defeated them in exactly the same way. I also faced nine groups of guzzlecanters, a wild dog type of creature that has twelve rows of super-sharp teeth filled with poison, the tend to drool on you to kill you slowly and they hunt in packs of between five and ten. The circle until they get bored then one by one drool on you before tearing you limb from limb. And four separate rhinogerlans which are a completely harmless breed of dimwitted herbivores. Then I finally broke out of the dense undergrowth, well I say broke out but I just evaporated out, turns out that all I had to do was think about the edge of the jungle, then I had to cross the desert land and stick to the outside of the plains for fear of running into the outcasts of Underworld, all those that have been sentenced to an existence of loneliness and madness. I didn't really want to cross the desert because well it was going to be really hard and not very adventurous or fun so I used my new found skill and evaporated straight to the edge of the desert. Then I could see the river, it was straight in front of me. I just needed to find a crossing point, I was going to evaporate straight over but then I though that was going to be cheating and way to easy, I wanted a challenge, a bit of danger."

"But Chess, you evaporated away from danger."  
>"Well, I didn't want to have near death experience danger, I just wanted to feel a little unsettled and then carry on."<p>

"If you say so."

"I found my crossing place about five minutes down the river and waited for a boat, it took ages to come, I was waiting for over three hours and then when it got there, the captain put up a sign that said no cats allowed. I mean how disgraceful I that? So I waited, very sneakily and when they were five minutes out I evaporated onto it. It was only a farting little thing as well. I was very disappointed. SO for three days I stayed on that boat swaying from side to side, getting sea-sick and being harassed by an angry captain because I snook on." I concluded, finally happy with my story. Alice just looked at me. "Well, don't I get a round of applause or at least a couple of your dreaded questions?"

"That's it?"

"What do you mean that's it? That was one of the best adventures of my life and I fought danger and I put up with the captain. How many times did I have to tell him that cats don't like boats?"

"But Chess, you didn't ever tell anyone that you didn't like boats. You just put up with it."

"Shut up Alice"

"And you could have just evaporated to the other side when you missed the boat."

"THANK YOU ALICE!"

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><p>AN: So did you like it? Well, review if you did silly, I know you can hear me but I can't hear you unless you review. You want me to hear you now don't you?


	3. Ungrateful Fool

**Listen to me you ungrateful fool, I am a cat not a man! And you shouldn't be listening in on my conversation.**

"Alice?"

"Yes Chess?"

"Would you like to hear another story?"

"Not really Chess"

"YES YOU WOULD!"

"Alright then Chess, you don't have to shout."

"She's right you know" Both Alice and myself looked around at the new voice and stared, stood in a small gap in the flowers – which surrounded the man-made path that we were walking on (pretty flowers but not the friendliest, they have been known to tear people's heads off) was a tiny man, plump and completely red. He was just stood there minding his own business and listening to my story but I didn't like him very much, I knocked him over easily with one of my paws and laughed, "Who, are you?" I enjoyed teasing this little man very much but I never found out what he was.

"I am-" He began in a very regal voice but to my surprise Alice cut him off.

"You shouldn't be listening in on other people's conversations, it's rude. Carry on with your story Chess."

"I thought you didn't want to hear my story, I would much rather watch this little man getting redder and redder than tell you my story." I was fascinated by the fact the the more I laughed at him, the deeper shade of red he went. Alice pulled a disapproving face so I humoured her.

"This little man reminds me of a story I _could _tell you, but he has to go away and we have to keep moving, the hatter will be worried."

"Deal" Alice said and she shooed the little red man away, he turned and strutted away, obviously upset that no one seemed to want him in their conversation. "Well, that's what you get for butting in and eavesdropping", I thought to myself triumphantly.

"This tale is called 'Listen to me you ungrateful fool, I am a cat not a man! And you shouldn't be listening in on my conversation.'"

"You really need to work on the titles Chess."

"I think the titles are fine! The tale starts on a rainy day in Underworld, no one was very happy and I decided everyone needed cheering up. So, I held a fair at midday, everyone said what a fool I was and refused to turn up for fear of getting a little wet. You would've come wouldn't you Alice?"

"I thought you didn't like people butting in while you're telling your stories"

"I don't but you're not butting in if I'm asking you a question, now answer me Alice."

"Yes, of course I would Chess." I saw her secretly roll her eyes.

"Well since no one would come because of the weather I decided to do something about the weather and I employed one of the best witches in Underworld to fix the weather for the rest of the day so that the people would be happy. She did this for me but wouldn't say what her price was – only that I had to pay it no matter what. I agreed not thinking that her price would be as bad as it was. I entertained the crowd for hours with my evaporating tricks and when they all went home I found the witch waiting for me, when I offered her gold she denied, she denied jewellery and a plot of land also. I turned my back on her for one second and I heard her murmur something. I felt cold then hot then cold again in the space of a millisecond and new at once that she had transfigured me into something else. I caught sight of myself in the window of a nearby shop and saw that she and turned me into a human. I do have to say I made a very handsome human but then there's no surprise really is there?"

"Well-"

"It was a rhetorical question Alice"

"OK, if you say so."

"I had quite long blue hair that was al shiny and soft to touch and high cheekbones but pale skin and no marks on my skin at all. It did feel strange. I was well built and tall but had plenty of muscle, hidden away. I still had big, startlingly green eyes. She turned to me and told me that I had to accompany her to a ball as her lover and then she would turn me back into a cat. I went to the ball with her and all of the other witches were jealous because she had the most handsome man with her. She had seen another man who she liked and as she had hoped, he had become jealous and asked her to marry him, she left early with him and I had to fin a way to get turned back into my perfect feline self again. I travelled all over Underworld and looked for a witch as skilled as her who could turn me back. But I couldn't find any, one year later I was very miserable cat and no one believed that I was a cat. I travelled to the court of the white queen and stayed there for a while, she helped me to try and locate someone, anyone. It was one of these days that I found the answer I needed. I was talking to Mallymkun – the dormouse about my troubles when out a door to my right jumps the hatter."

"The Hatter!"

"Yes Alice, the hatter. He says 'good evening to you, I could not help but overhear you conversation but I am afraid to say that you are quite mad, you are not a cat but a man. If you were a cat you would be chasing that mouse not talking to it.' I was quite upset at the hatter for this, him calling me mad when it was evident from the first moment that he was mad not me. I told him this too, I also told him that I was a cat and I could prove it, but then I got a little side tracked-"

"It was the hat wasn't it?"

"Yes" I hung my head but allowed myself a wider smile, "I do loooooooooovvvvvvvvvveeeee that hat. I told the hatter that he shouldn't be listening into my conversations but that at had me mesmerized and I think it is the hat that made me friends with the hatter. The hatter turned out to be very helpful and took me to a witch that I had never heard of, she turned me back into a cat easily and I have paid her with any favours she has needed since then. Maybe I'll take you to see her one day. The hatter tended to be there every time she needed something and I have become rather fond of him. Not to mention that beeeaaaaauuuutiful hat."

"I liked that story Chess, it was much better than the other one."

"You only liked it because it had the mad hatter in it! I don't understand why you enjoy spending so much time with him, he is quite mad you know." The smile that lit up her face was almost as wide as mine.

"Really? I have never noticed!" Alice laughed,

"Did you ask me if you could use sarcasm?"

"No, should I have?"

"Yes, I own sarcasm, now apologise."

"No."

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><p><strong>AN: **sorry there was no note at the top my little grey line button is playing stupid idiots with my brain - my brain is losing. Anyway, I am sorry it has taken so long but I keep starting new stories and forgeting about older ones. I am now officially taking ideas for more stories that the Cheshire Cat can tell Alice. I am fresh out of ideas (I know two is rubbish and one of them was my friend's)

This Chapter is dedicated to my bestest friend (well one of them I love Louise too) Cait for giving me the idea of the story! Hope you like it.

Now you have already - I hope - read the chapter you need to click that little button that says review. It will let you write to me an give me more insanely awesome ideas like Cait's idea. REVIEW


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